


everything you're clinging to

by BrittaTheBest



Category: Kevin (Probably) Saves the World (TV Series)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hospital, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 15:15:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12301839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrittaTheBest/pseuds/BrittaTheBest
Summary: Kevin wakes up in hospital after his suicide attempt. Pre-series.





	everything you're clinging to

**Author's Note:**

> There's been loads of times where I finish 5 seasons of a show and then go back to the start of the fanfic, and then there's stuff that was written when only a couple of episodes were out so all the characterisation is wonky and all the information is incorrect. 
> 
> I hope that this show becomes popular enough that in a few years, this will be one of those fics.

He was afraid to open his eyes.

Maybe he was dead. Maybe there was an afterlife and this was it. It did feel suspiciously like life-life, though, and he hadn’t been such a huge fan of that. He also suspected that the afterlife didn’t begin with lying in an uncomfortable bed with tubes in your arms and hospital noises surrounding you.

Which would mean that he survived. Which would mean that he would have to deal with it.

He wondered how long he could lie there with his eyes closed. If he waited long enough, would they just let him die? Could he make his brain seem dead on a scan? Of course not, of course not. But couldn’t they just give him what he wanted?

Did he even want to die anymore?

At that moment, actually, probably yes. That would be preferable to dealing with the fallout over all of this. But if he could go back to before he tried, what then? Would it still be worth it?

He couldn’t delay the inevitable anymore. With a resigned grimace, he opened his eyes.

His movement was met immediately with a choked sob. “Kevin… Oh my god, _Kevin_.” Amy, dishevelled and red-faced in the chair beside the bed, took his hand in both of hers and leaned forward, pressing her forehead to it so that she was lying over the mattress.

A wave of sick guilt broke against his stomach. “Hey, Ames,” he said, voice weak, trying to smile.

She didn’t answer. He realised, with a pang of shame, that she was fully crying, her shoulders shaking, soft, wet sounds muffled by the covers. One of her hands detached from his and crawled up across his chest, clutching at the sheets over his heart.

He sighed and put his free hand on her head, stroking her hair. “Amy…” But what could he say? ‘Sorry I tried to kill myself’?

He had imagined her reaction so many times. Of course he had. The thought of her tears had been enough to convince him to keep going, to keep suffering so that she didn’t have to. Until, of course, it hadn’t.

But the reality was so much worse.

Eventually her shoulders stopped shaking, and she pushed herself upright. Still trembling, she wiped her eyes the same way she used to when they were kids – right hand to left eye, then left hand to right eye. She left her hands in her lap. She looked at him, and he forced what he hoped was an apologetic and comforting smile, but her face crumpled once more and she looked away, shaking her head. “Kevin… I…”

He braced himself.

“Kevin, I’m so _sorry_ , I -”

“What?! No, sis, _I’m_ sorry, what’re you -”

“I’m sorry that you felt… I mean, I didn’t realise that…”

“Kevin.” Amy was interrupted by the appearance of a doctor. “It’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”

“I’ve, uh, been better.”

The doctor smiled, but Kevin was pretty sure it was fake How many times a day must she hear that answer?

“Do you mind if I ask you a few questions, Kevin?”

“Um…” He glanced at Amy. She still looked on the verge of tears. He reached out and took one of her hands. “Can it wait?” he addressed the doctor. “I’d like to talk to my sister for a bit, if that’s okay.”

The doctor pressed her lips together for a second, but smiled again. “Sure. I’ll be back in about ten minutes, alright?”

“Thank you,” Kevin smiled, politely. “Thanks,” he repeated as the doctor walked away. He squeezed Amy’s hand and looked over at her. “Where’s Reese?”

“At a friend’s house.” She sniffed. She was looking at the wall, biting her lip.

“Ames, would you look at me?”

She hesitated. She pressed both her lips together, presumably to stop them from quivering. With a look of determination, she turned her head forcefully towards him. He smiled, and was granted a smile in return.

“Okay?” he said. “I’m alright, see? You don’t have to be sad. I’m okay.”

She gave a sad laugh and looked down. The movement caused a tear to spill out of one of her red-rimmed eyes. She met his gaze again. “But you’re not.” She wiped the tear away. “You’re not, are you?” She tapped her temple. “Not in here.”

He laughed as well. “Hey, you don’t know that. I could be cured.” He definitely wasn’t planning on going through this again any time soon.

She looked away again, but still turned towards him, eyes glazed with fresh tears. She licked her lips. “…You tried to leave me.”

He sighed. “I know.”

There wasn’t anything else for him to say. She didn’t say anything either.

He looked at her pale, reddened face. There were deep rings below her eyes. “How long have you been here?”

“Oh…” She rubbed her face and looked at her watch. “Uh, well, all night.”

He nodded, frowning in concern. He said what he knew she wouldn’t want to hear. “You should probably go home.” He paused. He remembered he didn't live in Texas anymore. “Or, like, to a hotel I guess. You can go to my place if you want. Wherever. But you should rest.”

She looked at him. Her face twitched like she was about to start crying again. “Kevin…” she said in a broken voice.

“The doctor’s gonna be back in a minute, right? And she’ll want to talk to me about everything, and…” He smiled. “I promise I’ll still be here after you’ve slept.”

She bit her lip. She sighed. She nodded. “Yeah. Okay.” She got to her feet a little unsteadily, and leant down to kiss his cheek. “I’ll be back, alright?”

“Bye, Ames,” he said softly.

He watched her walk away. A few paces from the door, she turned and looked back at him. Even from a distance, he could recognise the expression of hurt on his twin’s face. The feeling of betrayal she had hidden from him, despite everything.

And then she was gone.

He was left with that same feeling of guilt, like a heavy blanket over his face and chest. He sighed.

But he had to live with his mistakes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short fic because I'm meant to be doing my dissertation
> 
> Regardless of what point in time you're reading this in, a Kudos or review would mean a lot to me, but I hope you enjoyed the story either way.


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